I had some vehicle training today, 0900am. Why am I always the one person so distant from everyone else do I do it without consciously knowing it, or are the others just drawn away from my presence. They look at me it seems with disdain or maybe even indifference. It's as if I have a sign hung over my head that says use apathy against this one. Do they even notice me, maybe I need to try to draw their attention I'm silent most of the time, but On the inside am I really dying for their attention, dying for her affection, she walked right past me. Am I a ghost, and I something beneath her, so low she can't acknowledge my presence or existence. Am I just a burden, is every word I utter just that a word, nothing more no meaning attached no emotion just arcane sounds and clicks.
Why have I become like this I have such a dark perspective now, I'm filled with bitterness I don't want to feel this way. Yet I'm afraid of change, afraid of rejection, I'm reluctant, I procrastinate . I'm afraid yet intrigued. I long to be and yet afraid to see the possibilities that await. Why have I become this person what moment lead to my demise as a somewhat mildly optimistic person. Now I'm just full of angst, bitterness, contempt. I can't tell who I despise more them, or myself. I think I look at them with disdain, and I look at myself with disgust. I'm no better than they are yet I think I am. I'm an empty shell of the man I use to be, of the ideals I use to represent, but somewhere along the path I've gone astray from myself.
Now I'm empty and I don't know how to find peace of mind. All this writing and expression helps a little to keep my sanity, but I need to find what makes me whole.I'm just an empty vessel waiting to be filled. I try to distract my self and immerse in things like video-games and books, but it doesn't fill the gap it only temporarily pulls a veil over my eyes.
Maybe if I just went out and fucked anything with a skirt I'd be good, maybe this is just sexual frustration, but I think it lies deeper than that.
Why have I become like this I have such a dark perspective now, I'm filled with bitterness I don't want to feel this way. Yet I'm afraid of change, afraid of rejection, I'm reluctant, I procrastinate . I'm afraid yet intrigued. I long to be and yet afraid to see the possibilities that await. Why have I become this person what moment lead to my demise as a somewhat mildly optimistic person. Now I'm just full of angst, bitterness, contempt. I can't tell who I despise more them, or myself. I think I look at them with disdain, and I look at myself with disgust. I'm no better than they are yet I think I am. I'm an empty shell of the man I use to be, of the ideals I use to represent, but somewhere along the path I've gone astray from myself.
Now I'm empty and I don't know how to find peace of mind. All this writing and expression helps a little to keep my sanity, but I need to find what makes me whole.I'm just an empty vessel waiting to be filled. I try to distract my self and immerse in things like video-games and books, but it doesn't fill the gap it only temporarily pulls a veil over my eyes.
Maybe if I just went out and fucked anything with a skirt I'd be good, maybe this is just sexual frustration, but I think it lies deeper than that.
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