Reflection

2008-06-27T18:23:00.000-07:00

I had some vehicle training today, 0900am. Why am I always the one person so distant from everyone else do I do it without consciously knowing it, or are the others just drawn away from my presence. They look at me it seems with disdain or maybe even indifference. It's as if I have a sign hung over my head that says use apathy against this one. Do they even notice me, maybe I need to try to draw their attention I'm silent most of the time, but On the inside am I really dying for their attention, dying for her affection, she walked right past me. Am I a ghost, and I something beneath her, so low she can't acknowledge my presence or existence. Am I just a burden, is every word I utter just that a word, nothing more no meaning attached no emotion just arcane sounds and clicks.

Why have I become like this I have such a dark perspective now, I'm filled with bitterness I don't want to feel this way. Yet I'm afraid of change, afraid of rejection, I'm reluctant, I procrastinate . I'm afraid yet intrigued. I long to be and yet afraid to see the possibilities that await. Why have I become this person what moment lead to my demise as a somewhat mildly optimistic person. Now I'm just full of angst, bitterness, contempt. I can't tell who I despise more them, or myself. I think I look at them with disdain, and I look at myself with disgust. I'm no better than they are yet I think I am. I'm an empty shell of the man I use to be, of the ideals I use to represent, but somewhere along the path I've gone astray from myself.

Now I'm empty and I don't know how to find peace of mind. All this writing and expression helps a little to keep my sanity, but I need to find what makes me whole.I'm just an empty vessel waiting to be filled. I try to distract my self and immerse in things like video-games and books, but it doesn't fill the gap it only temporarily pulls a veil over my eyes.
Maybe if I just went out and fucked anything with a skirt I'd be good, maybe this is just sexual frustration, but I think it lies deeper than that.

Blog This!

2008-06-21T23:31:00.000-07:00

Hello to all

I'd like to say this is my first official blog, but the first one I had was a fluke where I attempted to write something boring but yet insightful about my life. Here is a new beginning and granted my life isn't that exciting but I have a voice and I want it to be heard. Partly out of shear boredom, and partly because I need another constructive medium to vent. I'm a cynical, sarcastic and pessimist with a morbid sense of humor, and a low self-esteem. Oh I bet the ladies are melting in their pants, but in all seriousness this is who I am and this is the mentality in which my writing will reflect.

The internet . Life.

It's a vast place, with endless possibilities. Everything you need is at your finger tips from the insightful and thought provoking works of Socrates to the vile and disgusting, so much so I can't look away Two girls one cup. Soon sometime in the future tv will be extinct and our only source for everything will come from the internet. The internet can be a scary place, people can hide behind a veil of deception and charm. Yet in reality the pedifile slob on the other end of the keyboard wants nothing more than the company of an underage boy. Creepy right? That's the world we live in, so much diversity. Sometimes it's a good thing, and sometimes it's rather overwhelming like life at times. Like my favorite quote from Timothy leary:
"Throughout human history, as our species has faced the frightening,
terrorizing fact that we do not know who we are, or where we are going in
this ocean of chaos, it has been the authorities, the political, the
religious, the educational authorities who attempted to comfort us by
giving us order, rules, regulations, informing, forming in our minds their
view of reality. To think for yourself you must question authority and
learn how to put yourself in a state of vulnerable, open-mindedness;
chaotic, confused, vulnerability to inform yourself."

I have no delusions, I'm just as jaded and fucked up as the rest of the world. I have lot's of anxiety I usually feel better when I talk about people in contemptuous ways. I don't consider myself a narcissist or anything, I'm just kind of a hurt teenager still, and I'm 22. I feel better when I make others suffer, I indulge in sci-fi shows maybe because I'm a nerd, more than likely to vicariously try to feel exceptional and distant from the rest of the world like the characters in Battlestar galactica.

They are actually fighting for a purpose, their lives! Maybe I feel useless, what have I done to make a difference? I feel I have a higher calling to do something great. What is it though?

I'm a walking contradiction. I'm in the military I'm suppose to be the epitome of discipline, integrity, and excellence. Yet I'm this artistic, shy, lazy creature. I don't mean to sound conceded but I've been told by not only the military, but by college and high school professors that I'm an artistic genius, both in the sense of aesthetics
and intelligence. This mean nothing though I'm lazy and yes I still do art every once in awhile.

But you could have all the intelligence in the world, but if you don't apply yourself to anything productive or thought provoking you might as well be the average joe. Well I think I've written enough, if anything I've said here provoked any thought in that crazy head of yours, feedback is welcome!

"Feel the rhythm, to feel connected enough to step aside and weep like a widow
To feel inspired to fathom the power, to witness the beauty"

- lyrics from the song Lateralus, by Tool

The mundane walking contradiction

Reflection

Blog This!